let's get to it

Hey,
This is a post saying I've lost perspective on what is important.
I am not where I want to be spiritually or physically, I'm not where I need to be and I know that.
I've let so much slide because I knew I was doing something that I shouldn't.
It started so small, and now it's snowballed into something I don't think I'm going to get out of.
It started with me neglecting my blog, and not reading my patriarchal blessing because it wasn't required. then my scripture study, then my prayers. Not so bad right? I forgot what those things brought to my life, the spirit it brought and the way it made me feel. But I was still doing things good. I started listening to music that drove away the spirit, because I love listening to music. not a big deal. I started focusing on myself, I needed to improve right? so I let some hellos go by unsaid, some work left un-offered. I needed some "self-work" so I was going to take some time. I stopped going to the temple. You don't need to go to the temple all the time to be a good person right? I can be faithful without the temple. I stopped paying my tithing, I never had cash, I don't carry checks....I'd get to it later...I closed myself off to the people I once held dear....I stopped going to family home evening stopped taking my calling seriously and now, I'm not regularly attending church.I still have a testimony but I can feel the lack of an oomph.

I was having a good day, I was having lots of good days, but tonight I noticed something, I felt something that I hadn't felt in a while....fear. I was feeling uneasy about nothing really, my mind was just on some silly things that doesn't affect me really. I realized that all those things I neglected have made a noticeable dent in who I am.

I have a testimony of the small and simple things. They are important. They help you realize how much you are loved and looked after, how real God is and how careful His plan is for you. They give you power and purpose. They give you love and safety. They matter in ways I don't fully understand, but I do understand that the small and simple things are as important as eating, as important as drinking water. It's like, have you ever had a bad day, you just feel horrible and mad and then someone you know gives you a smile? a hug? a compliment? that one small simple act turns your whole day around, all your perspective. That's what the small and simple things are. The small and simple things are what brings perspective, warmth and light into your day. They turn around any bad situation and give you power to keep going.
I also have a testimony of my Savior and Redeemer Jesus Christ. I know that through the Atonement I can be made whole again. I know my Father in Heaven loves me. I know I am His daughter. I know I matter.
I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ amen.

Why I could never leave; entry #6

God's love is real.
When you recognize it, there is no denying it.

challenge: look for His love in the "mundane" of life. Like someone you love and trust reminding you of something you forgot aobut that made you a better person.

Thanks love

and thank you Heavenly Father for everything.

I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Why I could never leave: entry #5

So,
I had a good night tonight with my old roommates. We were talking and it gave me a lot of perspective and things to consider when choosing my life course.

So Blog, something you should know is that I've been struggling with finding direction for the past while. I've wanted very badly to be exactly who my Father in Heaven needs me to be. I didn't know (and still don't ) what I should be or where I should go. I've been stressing out about it and worried (sick) that I will make the wrong decision. I really wanted to just know exactly what I should do. I want to be the very best that I can. Sometimes I get carried away and over concerned. So I asked for a blessing.
My brother gave me the blessing and it was wonderful. It knocked out concerns left and right. The Lord counseled me and gave me a lot of directions (not by telling me exactly what to do but with ways I can figure it out) it calmed my concerns that I didn't even realize I had. It was awesome and it was a long one.

I came out knowing my Heavenly Father loves me and knowing He hears and answers prayers.

So that's another reason why I could never leave. because I know that my Heavenly Father is looking out for me . It's awesome knowing I can do this. and I can feel the love He gives to me. It is too strong for me to give up.  I know My Heavenly Father and His Son Jesus Christ live. I know that they have given me the tools to do what it is I need to accomplish. I know that the priesthood is real and holds magnificent power and I know that I can rely on Heavenly Father's servants to help me.
I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ amen. 

Why I could never leave: entry #4

Hi blog!
So I had a pretty groovy day today...I got out of work early, I had lunch with a super awesome friend, I crafted some story stones with my mom for her preschool (super fun) and I got a visit from my home teachers.
First, my home teachers are good guys, and I like good guys. Second, I love it when people do their home and visiting teaching. I've been struggling with the things I need to do and figuring out what I need to do next.  So they came over, I said some awkward jokes, they pity laughed, they shared their testimonies of the Resurrection. It was good times and I appreciated and needed the spirit they brought.

So it's the close of the lesson we are saying our goodbyes and I want to thank them because once upon a time, I didn't have the priesthood in my home. At that time I needed a priesthood blessing and I didn't know who to turn to. I didn't know my Bishop well, I didn't know who my home teachers were, I didn't have any close priesthood-holding friends that I could call or feel comfortable coming over.

So anyway, I start to say "thank you" and I start crying. I didn't mean to start crying, it was not something that needed a good cry. That was a "crazy cry" so of course I have to say I'm sorry, which of course only makes me look more crazy. oh yea and ps, I was crying because of the spirit. (I think that's an important point.....)

So, I guess my testimony for tonight is, 1: I can never leave because I've been blessed with awesome people in my life that make sure I have what I need. and 2: I have no choice (because I don't lie to myself) but to acknowledge when the Holy Ghost is speaking to me. The Holy Ghost is a real being and it's kinda awesome....scratch that, it's super awesome, to know that I can be lead to do right. 3: the lesson was on the Resurrection, and Christ did suffer for our sins and He did die and He does live.

I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ amen.


Unrelated note: I would like to formally apologize if ever there is an English teacher reading this......It's bad (I know)......so very very bad..........

Why I could never leave: entry #3

Hey blog,
So I'm grumpy tonight. But the church is still true.
So another reason why I don't want to leave the church (and I'm using "I don't want to leave"  for my "why I could never leave" I know they technically mean different things but...I don't want to leave the church, and I'm stubborn so I'm in it forever...so it counts) is that I know my Heavenly Father, and my Savior are always going to be there for me. It's nice having some back up.
I'm throwing a fit right now, and I'm not worried about being able to be happy again becasue I know I'll be happy again. Men are that they might have joy am I right? (yes) Plus Heavenly Father will never turn His back on me and when I'm over my "drama" I'll be able to turn back.
It's a great thing to have a testimony of and (for me) a reason to let myself have these kind of moments. (which by the way hinders the spirit....so.....stop it) (ps I apparently use a lot of parentheses)

But I could never leave the gospel because I'm always going to find support in times of need (even now when I don't really want it) I can be grumpy and mean and eventually turn my family away (but they won't really do that.....but if they did) I can turn my friends away and be left with nothing because they won't be willing to take me back. But the Savior will. My Heavenly Father will. The gospel gets me through hard times when no one else can or wants to. Like a true friend, the gospel (that is true) will stick with me through the thick of it when everything else fails. I love the gospel and it's totally true.

This is a side note, but I talked about the gospel at work today, it was pretty cool. I was nervous and hesitant but when I was through I felt better and I think I got through without offending anyone. moral-talk about the gospel cuz it's cool.

I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen


ps sorry if this didn't make sense....I'm tired.....also sorry for all the gramatical errors I've made (past and present)

ok bye (it's good to be back....I missed you blog)

Why I could never leave: entry #2

Hi,
So...Why I could never leave (continued)
I was thinking while I was on my way home from work about "why I could never leave." I know it to be true, and I started thinking it is like me knowing about negative numbers. I remember when I was in kindergarten, we were talking about subtraction and how it is impossible to figure out what one minus two equaled. An answer didn't exist to that question, and then some crazy boy named Matt was like "You just use negative numbers. It's negative one."
poor poor Matt, he was crazy, there was no such things as negative numbers. (even though his mom taught him about it) One minus two was an impossible problem and I told him just that. We got in an argument and since there was more of Anti-negative-number-ites with me, we won that battle. Then, whatever grade I learned about negative numbers in, I learned that there was in fact negative numbers. huh.....I guess Matt was right the whole time.

I feel like my testimony of the gospel  is like negative numbers. I'm just some crazy kid that has no idea what I'm talking about until you learn for yourself. and I could never leave because  I just can't unlearn about negative numbers. Negative numbers totally exist. The gospel helps me understand solutions to more problems than I had before (and in case you were wondering, having answers is nice) and it totally is true. :)

I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ amen.

Why I could never leave: entry #1

So, I've neglected you blog and I want to say I'm sorry..... I've no good excuse. So instead of justify I'm simply going to change.

My friend is starting something super duper cool called http://the20somethingtest.blogspot.com/
hopefully that link works, if it doesn't you can just google it I suppose....anyway it's a blog where 20somethings can share there testimony. It's pretty rad, if you or anyone you know wants to get involved, please share it with them.

Anywho my wonderful friend asked me to type up my testimony of why I could never leave the church. I thought this would be a wonderful chance for me to start paying attention to you again blog! Also, it made me want to maybe have some more structure for you. Maybe have a theme month or something....so to kick things off I will share what I wrote for Meg and then keep with "Why I could never leave" as the rest on the month of Aprils theme....Cool. :)

Why I could never leave.

Simply put, I want it, I need it, and I've worked to hard for what I've got and I'm not about to loose it now.
now let's expand, yes? ok :)

I want it.
I've grown up with an enormous feeling of responsibility. I've always wanted to be the best that I could, I don't like disappointing anyone in authority, I always want to impress and I've always wanted to "be a good girl." I grew up in the church and I remember after I got baptized thinking something like "Man! I am baptized! I am eight years old! It's about time I start acting like it and pay attention in sacrament meeting." I remember changing my motivations simply because Jesus said they were wrong. Also, I like the way I feel when I do good things, I feel good about myself and I want to feel good about myself. Now this is no way by it's self a good testimony, but...

I need it.
I need it because I am a very dramatic person. I've always struggled with depression and low self esteem (part of the reason why I always want to please people) and it's so easy to get down on yourself in today's world. I don't fit the images of "successful" "cool" "pretty" "popular" and therefore (by today's standards) I'm not marketable as "worth while."
Now, while I truly believe that I don't fit the world's standards of any of those things, I know and testify that I fit the exact mold of a LOVED DAUGHTER OF GOD. I know that Christ died for my sins by choice. He didn't include me because He had to, I believe that He suffered for me because He wanted to. He wanted me to know how loved I am and the sad and wonderful thing is, I don't think I'll ever really understand how much in this life. I know that I am important to Him, I am beautiful to Him, I am needed by Him. I am loved by my Father in Heaven and by my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. This love is what started my self esteem. It is what motivated my actions to be better. This love is what I need to pick myself up out of the dirt every time I fall (which is a lot). It didn't come over night....quite, quite, quite the contrary....

I've worked to hard for what I've got and I'm not about to loose it now.
Now, when I say this, I don't mean it out of determination. I mean I think I've put too much effort for me to just fall out of it now. Here's the thing, I'm struggling right now. I am being stubborn, disobedient, angry, I'm throwing fits, I haven't been faithful in my everyday actions and, frankly, I ran out of energy to keep up with it all. I have fallen down and I don't want to pick myself up, but I just can't seem to keep away from the Gospel. I am staying afloat out of what I'm calling "spiritual momentum." This momentum has been coming through my friends supportive spirit and by the testimony they live. (Thanks Megan! and everyone contributing!) I've been reminded of what I need to do by my testimonies that I've written down. I've found hope, love, (so much love) support, encouragement, forgiveness, charity, inspiration and so so so many other things that are keeping me going. Things left behind from the people I chose to associate with, teachings I've committed myself to abiding by and by questioning what I learned and testing it with real intent. These things don't simply leave you because you are going through a rough spot. These things stay with you through them. So, that being said, when I'm able to stand again and when I'm ready to fight for what I've always believed in (sometimes only deep deep down) I don't have to start over, because I can never leave.



I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ amen.