let's get to it

Hey,
This is a post saying I've lost perspective on what is important.
I am not where I want to be spiritually or physically, I'm not where I need to be and I know that.
I've let so much slide because I knew I was doing something that I shouldn't.
It started so small, and now it's snowballed into something I don't think I'm going to get out of.
It started with me neglecting my blog, and not reading my patriarchal blessing because it wasn't required. then my scripture study, then my prayers. Not so bad right? I forgot what those things brought to my life, the spirit it brought and the way it made me feel. But I was still doing things good. I started listening to music that drove away the spirit, because I love listening to music. not a big deal. I started focusing on myself, I needed to improve right? so I let some hellos go by unsaid, some work left un-offered. I needed some "self-work" so I was going to take some time. I stopped going to the temple. You don't need to go to the temple all the time to be a good person right? I can be faithful without the temple. I stopped paying my tithing, I never had cash, I don't carry checks....I'd get to it later...I closed myself off to the people I once held dear....I stopped going to family home evening stopped taking my calling seriously and now, I'm not regularly attending church.I still have a testimony but I can feel the lack of an oomph.

I was having a good day, I was having lots of good days, but tonight I noticed something, I felt something that I hadn't felt in a while....fear. I was feeling uneasy about nothing really, my mind was just on some silly things that doesn't affect me really. I realized that all those things I neglected have made a noticeable dent in who I am.

I have a testimony of the small and simple things. They are important. They help you realize how much you are loved and looked after, how real God is and how careful His plan is for you. They give you power and purpose. They give you love and safety. They matter in ways I don't fully understand, but I do understand that the small and simple things are as important as eating, as important as drinking water. It's like, have you ever had a bad day, you just feel horrible and mad and then someone you know gives you a smile? a hug? a compliment? that one small simple act turns your whole day around, all your perspective. That's what the small and simple things are. The small and simple things are what brings perspective, warmth and light into your day. They turn around any bad situation and give you power to keep going.
I also have a testimony of my Savior and Redeemer Jesus Christ. I know that through the Atonement I can be made whole again. I know my Father in Heaven loves me. I know I am His daughter. I know I matter.
I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ amen.

Why I could never leave; entry #6

God's love is real.
When you recognize it, there is no denying it.

challenge: look for His love in the "mundane" of life. Like someone you love and trust reminding you of something you forgot aobut that made you a better person.

Thanks love

and thank you Heavenly Father for everything.

I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Why I could never leave: entry #5

So,
I had a good night tonight with my old roommates. We were talking and it gave me a lot of perspective and things to consider when choosing my life course.

So Blog, something you should know is that I've been struggling with finding direction for the past while. I've wanted very badly to be exactly who my Father in Heaven needs me to be. I didn't know (and still don't ) what I should be or where I should go. I've been stressing out about it and worried (sick) that I will make the wrong decision. I really wanted to just know exactly what I should do. I want to be the very best that I can. Sometimes I get carried away and over concerned. So I asked for a blessing.
My brother gave me the blessing and it was wonderful. It knocked out concerns left and right. The Lord counseled me and gave me a lot of directions (not by telling me exactly what to do but with ways I can figure it out) it calmed my concerns that I didn't even realize I had. It was awesome and it was a long one.

I came out knowing my Heavenly Father loves me and knowing He hears and answers prayers.

So that's another reason why I could never leave. because I know that my Heavenly Father is looking out for me . It's awesome knowing I can do this. and I can feel the love He gives to me. It is too strong for me to give up.  I know My Heavenly Father and His Son Jesus Christ live. I know that they have given me the tools to do what it is I need to accomplish. I know that the priesthood is real and holds magnificent power and I know that I can rely on Heavenly Father's servants to help me.
I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ amen. 

Why I could never leave: entry #4

Hi blog!
So I had a pretty groovy day today...I got out of work early, I had lunch with a super awesome friend, I crafted some story stones with my mom for her preschool (super fun) and I got a visit from my home teachers.
First, my home teachers are good guys, and I like good guys. Second, I love it when people do their home and visiting teaching. I've been struggling with the things I need to do and figuring out what I need to do next.  So they came over, I said some awkward jokes, they pity laughed, they shared their testimonies of the Resurrection. It was good times and I appreciated and needed the spirit they brought.

So it's the close of the lesson we are saying our goodbyes and I want to thank them because once upon a time, I didn't have the priesthood in my home. At that time I needed a priesthood blessing and I didn't know who to turn to. I didn't know my Bishop well, I didn't know who my home teachers were, I didn't have any close priesthood-holding friends that I could call or feel comfortable coming over.

So anyway, I start to say "thank you" and I start crying. I didn't mean to start crying, it was not something that needed a good cry. That was a "crazy cry" so of course I have to say I'm sorry, which of course only makes me look more crazy. oh yea and ps, I was crying because of the spirit. (I think that's an important point.....)

So, I guess my testimony for tonight is, 1: I can never leave because I've been blessed with awesome people in my life that make sure I have what I need. and 2: I have no choice (because I don't lie to myself) but to acknowledge when the Holy Ghost is speaking to me. The Holy Ghost is a real being and it's kinda awesome....scratch that, it's super awesome, to know that I can be lead to do right. 3: the lesson was on the Resurrection, and Christ did suffer for our sins and He did die and He does live.

I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ amen.


Unrelated note: I would like to formally apologize if ever there is an English teacher reading this......It's bad (I know)......so very very bad..........

Why I could never leave: entry #3

Hey blog,
So I'm grumpy tonight. But the church is still true.
So another reason why I don't want to leave the church (and I'm using "I don't want to leave"  for my "why I could never leave" I know they technically mean different things but...I don't want to leave the church, and I'm stubborn so I'm in it forever...so it counts) is that I know my Heavenly Father, and my Savior are always going to be there for me. It's nice having some back up.
I'm throwing a fit right now, and I'm not worried about being able to be happy again becasue I know I'll be happy again. Men are that they might have joy am I right? (yes) Plus Heavenly Father will never turn His back on me and when I'm over my "drama" I'll be able to turn back.
It's a great thing to have a testimony of and (for me) a reason to let myself have these kind of moments. (which by the way hinders the spirit....so.....stop it) (ps I apparently use a lot of parentheses)

But I could never leave the gospel because I'm always going to find support in times of need (even now when I don't really want it) I can be grumpy and mean and eventually turn my family away (but they won't really do that.....but if they did) I can turn my friends away and be left with nothing because they won't be willing to take me back. But the Savior will. My Heavenly Father will. The gospel gets me through hard times when no one else can or wants to. Like a true friend, the gospel (that is true) will stick with me through the thick of it when everything else fails. I love the gospel and it's totally true.

This is a side note, but I talked about the gospel at work today, it was pretty cool. I was nervous and hesitant but when I was through I felt better and I think I got through without offending anyone. moral-talk about the gospel cuz it's cool.

I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen


ps sorry if this didn't make sense....I'm tired.....also sorry for all the gramatical errors I've made (past and present)

ok bye (it's good to be back....I missed you blog)

Why I could never leave: entry #2

Hi,
So...Why I could never leave (continued)
I was thinking while I was on my way home from work about "why I could never leave." I know it to be true, and I started thinking it is like me knowing about negative numbers. I remember when I was in kindergarten, we were talking about subtraction and how it is impossible to figure out what one minus two equaled. An answer didn't exist to that question, and then some crazy boy named Matt was like "You just use negative numbers. It's negative one."
poor poor Matt, he was crazy, there was no such things as negative numbers. (even though his mom taught him about it) One minus two was an impossible problem and I told him just that. We got in an argument and since there was more of Anti-negative-number-ites with me, we won that battle. Then, whatever grade I learned about negative numbers in, I learned that there was in fact negative numbers. huh.....I guess Matt was right the whole time.

I feel like my testimony of the gospel  is like negative numbers. I'm just some crazy kid that has no idea what I'm talking about until you learn for yourself. and I could never leave because  I just can't unlearn about negative numbers. Negative numbers totally exist. The gospel helps me understand solutions to more problems than I had before (and in case you were wondering, having answers is nice) and it totally is true. :)

I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ amen.

Why I could never leave: entry #1

So, I've neglected you blog and I want to say I'm sorry..... I've no good excuse. So instead of justify I'm simply going to change.

My friend is starting something super duper cool called http://the20somethingtest.blogspot.com/
hopefully that link works, if it doesn't you can just google it I suppose....anyway it's a blog where 20somethings can share there testimony. It's pretty rad, if you or anyone you know wants to get involved, please share it with them.

Anywho my wonderful friend asked me to type up my testimony of why I could never leave the church. I thought this would be a wonderful chance for me to start paying attention to you again blog! Also, it made me want to maybe have some more structure for you. Maybe have a theme month or something....so to kick things off I will share what I wrote for Meg and then keep with "Why I could never leave" as the rest on the month of Aprils theme....Cool. :)

Why I could never leave.

Simply put, I want it, I need it, and I've worked to hard for what I've got and I'm not about to loose it now.
now let's expand, yes? ok :)

I want it.
I've grown up with an enormous feeling of responsibility. I've always wanted to be the best that I could, I don't like disappointing anyone in authority, I always want to impress and I've always wanted to "be a good girl." I grew up in the church and I remember after I got baptized thinking something like "Man! I am baptized! I am eight years old! It's about time I start acting like it and pay attention in sacrament meeting." I remember changing my motivations simply because Jesus said they were wrong. Also, I like the way I feel when I do good things, I feel good about myself and I want to feel good about myself. Now this is no way by it's self a good testimony, but...

I need it.
I need it because I am a very dramatic person. I've always struggled with depression and low self esteem (part of the reason why I always want to please people) and it's so easy to get down on yourself in today's world. I don't fit the images of "successful" "cool" "pretty" "popular" and therefore (by today's standards) I'm not marketable as "worth while."
Now, while I truly believe that I don't fit the world's standards of any of those things, I know and testify that I fit the exact mold of a LOVED DAUGHTER OF GOD. I know that Christ died for my sins by choice. He didn't include me because He had to, I believe that He suffered for me because He wanted to. He wanted me to know how loved I am and the sad and wonderful thing is, I don't think I'll ever really understand how much in this life. I know that I am important to Him, I am beautiful to Him, I am needed by Him. I am loved by my Father in Heaven and by my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. This love is what started my self esteem. It is what motivated my actions to be better. This love is what I need to pick myself up out of the dirt every time I fall (which is a lot). It didn't come over night....quite, quite, quite the contrary....

I've worked to hard for what I've got and I'm not about to loose it now.
Now, when I say this, I don't mean it out of determination. I mean I think I've put too much effort for me to just fall out of it now. Here's the thing, I'm struggling right now. I am being stubborn, disobedient, angry, I'm throwing fits, I haven't been faithful in my everyday actions and, frankly, I ran out of energy to keep up with it all. I have fallen down and I don't want to pick myself up, but I just can't seem to keep away from the Gospel. I am staying afloat out of what I'm calling "spiritual momentum." This momentum has been coming through my friends supportive spirit and by the testimony they live. (Thanks Megan! and everyone contributing!) I've been reminded of what I need to do by my testimonies that I've written down. I've found hope, love, (so much love) support, encouragement, forgiveness, charity, inspiration and so so so many other things that are keeping me going. Things left behind from the people I chose to associate with, teachings I've committed myself to abiding by and by questioning what I learned and testing it with real intent. These things don't simply leave you because you are going through a rough spot. These things stay with you through them. So, that being said, when I'm able to stand again and when I'm ready to fight for what I've always believed in (sometimes only deep deep down) I don't have to start over, because I can never leave.



I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ amen.

Testimony #1 (again)

Hi,
So I havn't done this for a long time and I failed at my goal pretty hard core...but thats ok...
I would like to bare my testimony. I love my Father in Heaven. He is always there for me. I know He loves me for who I am. It doen't matter what I've done or how strange I am. He is ALWAYS there. I know whatever He has planned for me is the best for me andfor those involved. I know that I am loved and that I matter. Whenever /i question my worth I can turn to the Lord and find strength and comfort. I know that when I screw up I have the Savior to take me the rest of the way. I am so blessed I love the gospel and I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ amen.

Hey,
So I missed.... :'( I didn't make my goal, but that's ok, I can start from today :) So I'm going for another year starting 10/13/11
I'm gonna keep this one kinda short because I have to open tomorrow at work...
anyway
I went through another spell of struggle. It effected me in ways I never thought it would. I didn't go to the temple like I have been every week for the past ever....But it really did effect me. or affect me....I'm too tired to remember what one is right.
But just know that the temple is a house of God. The things that will get you there are the small and simple things like reading your scriptures and daily prayer.
I just wanted to start this again, it was really helping me out and I'm in need of some spirit.
Also know that Thomas S Monson is a true prophet of God. I have a testimony that the words spoken at conference are true.
I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ amen.

Hey,
So don't worry I've been writing my testimony on paper the past while.
I didn't want to wait for the computer to turn on
But anyway Let's get to it
I have a testimony of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (still)
I went to a broadcast of the relief society thing and when Uchtdorf got up to talk, before he even said anything, I knew he was a man of God.
I have a testimony of the first presidency I know they carry God's messge
I know that if we look for it we can find answers to prayers and questions
I know my Lord and Savior lives and I know He was reserected after He died for my sins
I know my Heavenly Father lives and loves me. I know I can trust in His will.
I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ amen.

Testimony #

Hey,
I'm in a bit of a funk right now because I haven't prayed for the last 4 nights. It's pretty lame. I feel all out of sorts. I'm also struggling with some new awkward situations that is making me really look hard at how I should carry myself in the future and it's also making me consider giving up on some things... I don't know what I'm feeling because I don't have the spirit with me right now. I miss the spirit. I know the way to get the spirit back is diligence in the gospel. I need to study scriptures and pray. I need to make time for them. I need to do them first instead of last. I know that if I do these small and simple things great things will come to pass. I know that the Lord will guide me if I do what is right.
I'm feeling pretty nervous because I don't want my mess ups to take me away from what the Lord has planned for me. I don't want to fail any more. I've felt the ache of a missed opportunity a few times. I'm tired of that feeling. I need to be strong and push through this. I know that I can if I rely on the spirit, scriptures, church and the support of my friends.
I know the Lord provides a way. I know I can obey I just need to go and do.
I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ amen.

Testimony #

Hey,
So I just want to bare a quick testimony about obedience. I know that obedience is the way to get stronger and I know it makes you feel more awesome about yourself. I know I need to change and I have a testimony of the attonement.
I bare testimony of our Father in Heaven and of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ amen.

Testimony #

Hey,
Sorry I haven't posted in a while no one that's reading this. I've been on a trip and I haven't had internet access, but I've got them saved to my notepad and one night I almost forgot about this so I wrote a super short one on some paper. But I'm still going on strong :)
So, Yea.
I just want to bare my testimony that the Lord will prepare you for what He wants you to accomplish. I went on a trip and I wasn't expecting to learn so uch from it but I did. I've gained a lot of confidece in myself and now I know that I can move forward with the things I've been struggling with. My learnings also went along with a blessing that I got before I left on my trip. It just gave me a witness that the Lord knows what He's doing when He gives you assignments and He knows how to prepare you to accomplish them.
This experice has given me more trust in the Lord and His timing and His will.
I testify that if we follow what the Lord wants us to do we will be blessed. I have a testimony of the gospel. I know that my Redeemer lives and loves me.
I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ amen.

testimony #85:

Hey,
So I've got a super bunch of super cool friends. They have totally been helping me out lately. Well totally always. I really want to bare my testimony about the importance of having friends that will lift you up. And I say that having had friends that were lifting me up, and from having friend that didn't.
If you guys have ever heard that analogy about having one foot on the dock and one foot in the boat it's true. It's so slow and subtle. It totally happened to me, I wasn't close with my church friends and my other friends, my dear friends whom I love (I really hope I used whom right) were going down a different path. I couldn't chose between my standards and my friends and their activities. (does that make sense?) Well, I didn't choose, the gaps grew too large and I fell in the water. it was a very lonely time.
I really wish I would have had at least one friend that was strong in the church. Someone I could relate to in my spirituality.
Well I have those friends now and I am so grateful. It really does make a difference. And I'm not saying discriminate against people who aren't the same religion as you. I'm saying be friends with people that will uplift you. I have friends now that aren't of my faith that are supportive and helpful. I have a testimony of the importance, like to admit it or not your friends have a fierce influence on you. I bare testimony of this in the name of Jesus Christ amen.

Sorry if this one is sketchy I'm tired....and watching tv.....yea I kinda suck :P
But don't worry the church is still true
ok bye!

Testimony #84: sweet and simple

Hi,
Um, I didn't really have a testimony building anything today. But its all good because I know the church is still true :) I do need to be more diligent..maybe if I did that I'd have an experience to share...
oh well like I said the church is still true.
So, let me get out my testimony out there...
I know the church is true :) I have a testimony of the scriptures. I know that if we study them we will be blessed and enlightened for it. I was reading my patriarchal blessing (which I also have a testimony of) and It says that I need to seek for knowledge and light. I know that the seeking that needs to be done will come from the scriptures. I know that I will be blessed if I'm obedient in following this. I bare testimony that God the Father lives. Jesus is the Christ. The atonement is real. I bare witness of the prophet, he is a man of God. I bare witness of the temples. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ amen.

Testimony #83:

Hey,
So I'm doing loads better. It was fast and testimony meeting and I totally felt the spirit. And after church I got a priesthood blessing. I love the priesthood. I'm so glad I'm able to have it in my life, even if it's not a part of my home.
I want to bare testimony that Heavenly Father loves all of us. I know that He cares about us. I know that He is there. I know that I'm His daughter. I testify of the power of the priesthood. I testify of the scriptures. I know they are true. I know that you can turn to them for answers. I know that we can all return to our Heavenly Father. I (again) love this gospel and I testify that it is the only true church on the earth today. I testify of our prophet Thomas S Monson. I testiry of his councelers and I testify of the apostiles. I know that my Redemmer lives and loves me. I know He died for me. I know the atonement covers all pain. I know that we can better ourselves through Him.
I bare my witness to you in the name of Jesus Christ amen.

Testimony #82:

Hi,
So, I completely wasted my day today. I'm not finding clarity in anything. It's because I haven't been as faithful as I should. I keep going back and forth with my feelings. I've been ignoring promptings today, or maybe I didn't have any today. I can't tell. I think I'm stressed. I think I'm lonely. I'm confused. I don't know what to tell myself. I need to be better. I need a break. I need sleep. I need a life. I'm thinking too much and doing too little
(sorry we're having a downer part today) I think I'm afraid of screwing up. I think that every wrong decision I'm making is taking away blessings. I don't feel like I'm good enough.
But I know that this yucky feeling is not coming from my Heavenly Father. I know that my Heavenly Father loves me. I have the atonement for when I do fall. I know I need to remember those things. Andi, your Heavenly Father loves you. ok? Ok.
I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ amen

Testimony #81:So, like, testimonies! am I right!?

Hey,
Let's do this! So, today I didn't really put the Lord at the front part of my mentalings today....I didn't pray or read scriptures last night or this morning. I could definitely feel the difference, I was way more scatter brained and I wasn't as happy as I am after I pray. So, I s'pose what I'm getting at is I have a testimony of the small and simple things. They totally do make a difference. I'm always a lot grumpier and less patient when I don't pray. I know that when you do the small and simple things, everything else seems to fall in place.... When you put the Lord first in the little things, the basic things, you'll be able to put the Lord first in the big things. Everything will fall into place when and how it needs to. I have faith in God's plan. I have a testimony of Heavenly Father's plan. I know that He really does want the best for us. I know if we follow His promptings we will find ourselves closer to where we need to be. No matter how small. "By small and simple things are great things come to pass." I have a testimony of these things.
I say them in the name of Jesus Christ amen.

see you later :)

Testimony #80: whoa, check it, i hit the 80 mark

I have a testimony of going to institute/seminary and going to ward activities.
I have gone to those after a brief stint of being like "nah" and now  my testimony is stronger, I'm finding more answers to prayers and ponderings. I feel like I belong more.  I'm seeing the love the Lord has for me more. I have a testimony of obedience. Doing what the Lord says is the thing to do. Totally. I have a testimony of the Atonement and of Jesus Christ. I know Heavenly Father is there for us always.
I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ amen.

Testimony #79: scriptures are true you guys :)

Hey friends,
So, I love the gospel. Shout out. I would like to bare a quick testimony of the power of the scriptures.
The scriptures is where you find answers. I head once that if you want to talk to God, pray. If you want God to talk to you, read your scriptures. That is true :) here are some examples
I was in the temple yesterday looking for guidance, found my answers in the scriptures.
One time I went on a road trip with some friends that weren't members of the church, I felt really out of place and I felt they were looking down on me because of my beliefs. I was very sad and opened up my Scriptures and read the sermon on the mount. It was exactly what I needed to hear. I found my comfort through the scriptures.
I find great examples in the scriptures. They become more meaningful and impressive when you realize that the people actually lived. They wrote down their stories so we could read them and be enlightened. I testify that the Book of Mormon is true. I don't understand how it would have been able to come about without Divine intervention.
It's no secret that Joseph Smith had a third grade education. How could a third grade education write a book that supports and adds to the bible stories? How could Joseph write it so close to the bible in the time he did? How could he write something with so many different writing styles and different point of views? How could he do it if it wasn't translated in the spirit? I testify that it was translated in the spirit. I testify that the only way  the Book of Mormon would have been able to be is through God the Father's help. I testify that it was written by prophets of old. I testify that the principles found in its pages are true. I am grateful to have the scriptures in my life. I need to Cherish and read them more. I know that we will be able to find all sorts of answers.
I testify of my Savior, my Brother, Jesus Christ. I know that He is your Brother/Savior/Redeemer too. I know that He lived and died for our sins. I know it's because He loves us.
I know that God the Father lives. I know He looks after us, I know that we can return to Him one day.
I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ amen