My friend is starting something super duper cool called http://the20somethingtest.blogspot.com/
hopefully that link works, if it doesn't you can just google it I suppose....anyway it's a blog where 20somethings can share there testimony. It's pretty rad, if you or anyone you know wants to get involved, please share it with them.
Anywho my wonderful friend asked me to type up my testimony of why I could never leave the church. I thought this would be a wonderful chance for me to start paying attention to you again blog! Also, it made me want to maybe have some more structure for you. Maybe have a theme month or something....so to kick things off I will share what I wrote for Meg and then keep with "Why I could never leave" as the rest on the month of Aprils theme....Cool. :)
Why I could never leave.
Simply put, I want it, I need it, and I've worked to hard for what I've got and I'm not about to loose it now.
now let's expand, yes? ok :)
I want it.
I've grown up with an enormous feeling of responsibility. I've always wanted to be the best that I could, I don't like disappointing anyone in authority, I always want to impress and I've always wanted to "be a good girl." I grew up in the church and I remember after I got baptized thinking something like "Man! I am baptized! I am eight years old! It's about time I start acting like it and pay attention in sacrament meeting." I remember changing my motivations simply because Jesus said they were wrong. Also, I like the way I feel when I do good things, I feel good about myself and I want to feel good about myself. Now this is no way by it's self a good testimony, but...
I need it.
I need it because I am a very dramatic person. I've always struggled with depression and low self esteem (part of the reason why I always want to please people) and it's so easy to get down on yourself in today's world. I don't fit the images of "successful" "cool" "pretty" "popular" and therefore (by today's standards) I'm not marketable as "worth while."
Now, while I truly believe that I don't fit the world's standards of any of those things, I know and testify that I fit the exact mold of a LOVED DAUGHTER OF GOD. I know that Christ died for my sins by choice. He didn't include me because He had to, I believe that He suffered for me because He wanted to. He wanted me to know how loved I am and the sad and wonderful thing is, I don't think I'll ever really understand how much in this life. I know that I am important to Him, I am beautiful to Him, I am needed by Him. I am loved by my Father in Heaven and by my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. This love is what started my self esteem. It is what motivated my actions to be better. This love is what I need to pick myself up out of the dirt every time I fall (which is a lot). It didn't come over night....quite, quite, quite the contrary....
I've worked to hard for what I've got and I'm not about to loose it now.
Now, when I say this, I don't mean it out of determination. I mean I think I've put too much effort for me to just fall out of it now. Here's the thing, I'm struggling right now. I am being stubborn, disobedient, angry, I'm throwing fits, I haven't been faithful in my everyday actions and, frankly, I ran out of energy to keep up with it all. I have fallen down and I don't want to pick myself up, but I just can't seem to keep away from the Gospel. I am staying afloat out of what I'm calling "spiritual momentum." This momentum has been coming through my friends supportive spirit and by the testimony they live. (Thanks Megan! and everyone contributing!) I've been reminded of what I need to do by my testimonies that I've written down. I've found hope, love, (so much love) support, encouragement, forgiveness, charity, inspiration and so so so many other things that are keeping me going. Things left behind from the people I chose to associate with, teachings I've committed myself to abiding by and by questioning what I learned and testing it with real intent. These things don't simply leave you because you are going through a rough spot. These things stay with you through them. So, that being said, when I'm able to stand again and when I'm ready to fight for what I've always believed in (sometimes only deep deep down) I don't have to start over, because I can never leave.
I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ amen.
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